Casgliadau Arlein

Three page handwritten poem by Alia Ramna. Alia is a member of Asian Purrsuasion and the Welsh Ballroom Community. Collected as part of the Ours to Tell project 2023/2024.

Transcription of poem - Imagine having a beautiful heritage full of spice, rice, and everything nice with brown skinned queen’s gracing Bollywood screens and beautiful diamond gems and beads that fill up saris. An Islamic child born with blessings from Allan subhan Allah, born to a family with a muslim name, a muslim name registered at the local mosque which is a lovely place to pray but if you up stairs to where you can look and stare at kinds in fear. From the molves and moostagies that keep us there. Rocking back and forth praying to be saved but not just in a spiritual way. As I used to recite the Quran to the molve he stops and looks at me realizing I can not repeat what is in front of me. So he askes me to give my hand and as I do so he follows with a slap and then attacks. Which leaves me questioning how I am being tought my religion and what happens in my Race. 7 years old praying with the scriptures of what I’ve been taught in the month of Ramadan praying in my hands and opening my fast imagining, hoping, wishing, to wake up the next day, on Eid day to see a little asian princess looking back at me. It would never be … until this little asian queen would fight the fight, nothing like she had ever seen at 13 on her mobile screen crying realizing the meaning of Transgender. Growing up in the white patriarchy she knows that the colour of her skin would stop her from saying Transgender. It would never come across her lips as she takes the hit she starts carving her pain into her own skin while she’s being told to sit up str8 do not act gay and to pray the shaitan away. High school bullys are just a faze but when your family can’t even see you on your birthdays with a boys party being forced on display suicide starts to play a rhythm so hard I can’t seem to just let it screen and take over me all the way to 16 on my wallpaper screen being removed from her abusive family moved into care with scars everywhere not just the ones in her head. She fights to transition but her family believe in tradition and little did she know she was going to be revealed to the darkest one yet. Honour based violence would make her silent moving all over Wales from Llanelli to Caerphilly she starts to fight her fight to transition but doctors telling her it won’t be easy she starts her transition. Boys start to play up as I walk by I mean I can not lie girl you know they see this thick thighs I mean I can not lie god blessed me real good and nice. I didn’t have to go into surgery once or twice the power of estrogen keeps me looking right and my mind one hella tight. Making me realise that this gender norms are not right and boys do more than just lie and fight and sexually assault women at night when they are full of pride. So how could I fall in love with a man when all I see around me are boys who just look at the gender and not the person and still get caught up in their questions when they are faced with a female in transition makes them realise their position if anyone was to say it to him that your girl is not what you think she is so he acts out in violence. Black trans women, asian trans women, all trans women have died at the hands of men that don’t understand what it is like to be Trans attracted. But I can’t help it the serotone, oxyocinend dopamine that keeps me cuddling these str8 boys even though they deserve me and these men and high school old bullys call me a man while they look at me. But I know me and I know what I can be more than what your mind holds for a Asian Transgirl been beaten to defeat with everything stripped from her feet built myself up and started to repeat my hormones, self love and keeping up with ?doctor ? and stays in touch with her new found family the Welsh Ballroom Community believing in me. My sister and faja saw me on my lowest edge of defeat and my brother keeps me happy keeping me speaking Punjabi like what a real family should be look at Faja gurll he gonna look like Trade in one thing I know he’s gonna believe in me and as mother lele says we doing bits and Tayos got the fit looking all crisp Kiki licks her lips while bobeg duck walks all over it.